How to Talk to a Friend Who is Struggling

When a friend or family member is going through a difficult time, it can be hard to know what to say or do to support them. In the past I have fallen into two very common traps: either trying to put a positive spin on things and rushing into “fix-it” mode, or feeling uncomfortable, afraid of saying the wrong thing, and avoiding them.

Neither approach worked out very well for me, or for the person I cared about, so I want to share some of the key things I have learned, over my time as a therapist (and as a human), about how to offer meaningful and effective support.

I think researcher and author Brené Brown says it best, in this short animated video from the Royal Society of Arts:

As Brené explains, empathy is key in showing someone we care. It isn’t sympathy, which is feeling pity for someone. It’s an attempt to tap into ourselves, understand what someone else is going through, and then communicate that to them. This doesn’t mean telling them about the time something similar happened to you. It can be a well-meant gesture to reassure someone that they aren’t alone, but it takes the focus away from their feelings. It can even have the opposite effect, invalidating the intensity of what they’re going through.

So what can you do instead?

Ask if they’re okay. Then ask again

In the UK, “how are you?” can be a bit of a throwaway greeting. We ask almost everyone we meet, but we all know we aren’t supposed to answer genuinely. We become used to parroting the same responses without really thinking, and often that response is some version of “I’m fine”.

If you’ve noticed a friend is feeling down, or you know they’re going through a hard time, gently push past that initial politeness and ask again how they’re really doing. Something like: “I know you said you’re fine, but I’d really like to hear how you’re doing.” This shows them you actually want to listen. It can feel a little awkward at first, but it invites your friend to share some of the load they might have been carrying alone.

Just listen

Not everything is a problem to be solved. It’s a very natural response to want to rescue people when they feel bad, but it doesn’t matter how great we think our suggestion is. People often just need to experience their feelings, and no amount of practical solutions can take them away. Instead of fixing the issue, our responses can make the other person feel shut down. We have a solution, so they aren’t allowed to feel bad about it anymore, right?

We have so few opportunities to be vulnerable enough to really express our feelings, and simply sitting back and listening to someone can be hugely powerful. Put your phone away, eliminate any distractions, and really hear what they’re saying. As the old saying goes, “a problem shared is a problem halved”. It isn’t about fixing. It’s about giving someone the space to offload their worries or their sadness, and being a safe outlet for them to do that, without judgement or agenda.

Sit with the feeling

This follows closely from the point above, but it’s important enough to note separately. Sometimes life is just hard, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Acknowledging that can make someone feel really heard.

There’s a strong human urge to respond with “It will be alright”. Well, sometimes it won’t, or at least your friend might not be ready to go there yet. There is something so validating about telling someone that things are really difficult and having them agree. Try “That sounds really hard” or “I’m so sorry, that’s awful.” No spin, no silver-lining it, as Brené would say. Just recognise the pain they’re in and get comfortable sitting with it. Let them cry it out, let them rant or scream, whatever they need to get that release, and let them know you’ll be there with them through this hard time.

Silence can be golden

Sometimes we really can’t find the right words. Perhaps they aren’t ready to talk yet. But rather than filling the silence with meaningless chatter or platitudes, or worse, avoiding the person completely, you can just sit with them. You might even say, “You don’t have to say anything. I’m just going to stay here.” Physically showing up can go a long way. We may not have the power to change anything or take away their pain, but we can show them they’re not alone, and in time the right words may come.

Know when more help is needed

Friendship and family support matter enormously, but they aren’t always enough. If someone has been struggling for weeks, isn’t coping with day-to-day life, or talks about feeling hopeless or about harming themselves, gently encourage them to speak to their GP or a mental health professional. You can offer to help them find someone, or to go along with them. If you’re ever worried about their immediate safety, don’t wait: contact emergency services.

Finally, don’t forget about yourself

If you’re reading this, I assume there’s someone you care about who is having a hard time, and it’s great that you care enough to be thinking about the best way to look after them. But this can be emotionally taxing for you too. Carrying someone else’s pain can feel heavy. They say you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure you give yourself time to refill. Take a little time back for yourself and manage your own wellbeing, whether that’s watching a comfort TV show, getting some fresh air, or talking to someone yourself.

Remember, you don’t need to fix anything, and you don’t need to say the perfect thing. Often the most helpful thing you can do is simply show up.