The Right to Grieve - Losing "Something", not "Someone".

The loss of a person, although extremely varied and complex in each case, is something almost universally accepted and understood. If you lose a loved one, society understands that grief and will often offer their condolences and support to the bereaved. This is, of course, a huge oversimplification of bereavement that does no justice to the devastation and complexity that the loss of a person can cause, and needs an entire blog post of its own. 

However, today, I wanted to look at the other areas of grief that often go unrecognised.

What happens when the thing you are grieving the loss of is not a person?

Most people will experience many losses throughout their lives, and these will all impact us with different intensity. Sometimes, we may not even recognise in ourselves when we are experiencing grief. I experienced this personally when, several years ago, I quit a job that I had held for over a decade. It was in an industry that I had worked hard to get into and something that I had wanted to do from a young age. In my last few years in this role, I noticed that I had lost the love and passion for it, and felt called towards becoming a counsellor instead. I was excited to pursue this new career and able to quit my job to go back to university to make it happen. 

This was the promising start to a new life, filled with many exciting opportunities. Something I had willingly chosen.

I did not expect to feel the loss of my old job. 

I assumed I wouldn't miss a job that I didn't even enjoy any more, but in the months after I left I started to feel very flat, lacking energy and motivation and a real confusion about my place in the world. I found it hard to get out of bed. I avoided speaking to friends because I had nothing to update them on. I hated meeting new people, for fear of anyone asking me "What do you do for a living?". What I hadn't realised was how much that job was tied into many other areas of my life, my community, my sense of purpose, my identity. 

I had suddenly severed ties with all of those things without looking back.

Loss of Identity

This is not an uncommon experience, a loss of identity can be a confusing and isolating thing to go through. I have worked with clients who have felt this loss after moving countries, ending marriages or friendships or struggling to come to terms with ageing. 

The biggest problem with these examples is often not just the loss itself, but our inability to properly process and seek support for the grief that comes with it. 

This is known as 'Disenfranchised Grief', a concept originally recognised by Kenneth J. Doka in 1989.

Disenfranchised grief 

This is when a person experiences a loss that is not valued or recognised by society. This removes a person's support system, leaving them feeling alone and with their pain invalidated by others. Often the individual is forced to minimise their feelings, limiting their own ability to process the loss and perhaps even adding feelings of guilt or shame on top of their grief.

Disenfranchised grief can apply to almost any type of loss, such as:

• a sentimental object

• the loss of a body part

• declining health or fading youth

• the death of a pet

• a miscarriage or abortion

• a loved one who died by suicide

• familial estrangement

• a loved one in prison

How to help?

First of all, remember that no one can tell you how you should feel. Give yourself permission to grieve - even if no one else will. This could be small things, saying no to social engagements for a while, being extra gentle with yourself, journalling, letter-writing or creating a small ritual to help you process the thing that is lost. 

Reach out to your support network. Sometimes we tell ourselves that no one will understand or care, and perhaps society won't, but maybe your closest friends and family who know and love you, will. Asking for help can be hard, but talking can really help. Even if that other person doesn't fully understand, having someone who supports you anyway, can be invaluable.

Find resources. If talking to a friend isn't an option, there are other places you can look for support. Online forums, support groups, articles sharing your experiences. 

Speak to a professional. Of course, I am biased as a therapist myself, but I have to recommend therapy. Perhaps what you need a neutral space with a person who will not judge you, no matter what you bring. Someone with experience of working with disenfranchised grief and who is able to offer that unconditional support that you need at a time when you feel so alone in your pain. 

Recognising your own grief is the first step. It took me a while to acknowledge mine, and only then could the real processing and healing begin. 

If any of this resonates and you feel stuck, there is plenty of support out there. You can get in touch with me at rebeccacrosslandtherapy@gmail.com

Or contact:

Samaritans: Call 116 123

SHOUT: Text 85258